Introducing your new partner to your child

Following a separation, you might well be ready for a bit of a break from romantic relationships, at least for a while. But the likelihood is that, sooner or later, you will find a new partner who makes you very happy.

Then, when the right person does come along, you will inevitably reach that stage in your relationship where you want to introduce them to your children.

There’s no telling how long it might take for you to meet a new partner (if could be after a couple of months, or 10 years down the line), of course that’s for you to decide. But, if you do start seeing a new partner, you might find the idea of introducing them to your children pretty nerve wracking (particularly if this is the first partner that they will have met after your relationship with their parent).

The difficulty of this step is largely determined by the age of your child and how recently the separation from your ex occurred. But, that is not to say that it is not still a challenge for teenage children who have experienced the separation period and have come out of it at the other end. The thing is, every child will react to this change in their own (possibly quite unpredictable) way, so this advice is designed to help best prepare you for a range of different eventualities.

In this article, I would like to provide you with a few general, but useful, bits of advice and guidance surrounding how to best go about first introducing a new partner to your child.

Is now too soon?

If this is still quite a casual relationship for you, the key thing is to take your time. If you’re seeing new people after your separation, and the level that you’re currently at in this relationship feels like quite a casual one, then don’t introduce them to your child just yet.

If you’re not sure either way how serious this relationship is yet, then take your time to figure this out before you have them meet your child. It’s perfectly normal to go into a new relationship and seek romance and affection again with someone new, following a separation. But, this might not necessarily mean that this new partner is going to stand the test of time. And after all, if this is the love of your life, what’s the rush? The best thing that you can do for both your partner and your child is to introduce them to each other at the right time, when everyone is ready.

How and when to introduce?

Although there is no set right answer to this, below are some useful points to consider, to help you to make the right call for your personal situation.

Your child is bound to be intrigued about this new person in your life, but the key thing is to balance their feelings – controlling their hurt and upset about the situation (by giving them time to accept what is happening), with preventing their meeting for too long (which could potentially allow pressure, tensions and problems to build, leading to future conflict between you and your child).

Don’t be alarmed by this balancing act: ultimately, trust in your judgement (you know how to handle your child’s feelings best, after all). When it comes to making this first meeting a success, the key helpful tips that we can provide you with are:

• Try to have the meeting take place in an informal setting, to keep your child relaxed and at ease. Also, try to keep this first meeting brief and casual, to reinforce this calm and lighthearted air for your child.
• Keep your child’s perspective and feelings in mind – hurt, bitter, jealous, angry, they could react to this development in any manner of ways. Don’t let it get to you if your child doesn’t immediately love your new partner as much as you do.
• Keep your child reassured, feeling secure and loved by you (the last thing that they need right now is to feel like your love is in short supply). Be patient with them, accept that their approval might take time.
• Don’t be afraid to speak to your child after they have met your partner, and answer any questions that they have openly and honestly. Also, make sure that you keep these conversations going, so that your child knows that they can always come to you to help them talk through their worries or feelings.

Your new partner’s perspective

As you navigate these changes, trying to achieve the best end result for all three of you, it might be helpful for you to take a pause and try putting yourself in your partner’s shoes. Be sensitive and considerate of how they may be feeling.

Their status as your ‘new’ partner is bound to have its difficulties. They could well be sensing resentment from your ex or your child, as an unwelcome replacement and destabiliser of your established co-parenting network. So, the best things that you can do are to work to reassure them; take your time with how these things unfold; and keep the conversations flowing. Make sure that you are clear with your expectations of any meetings with your child, and allow them to speak to you about how they are feeling in return.

Your child’s perspective

As mentioned previously, it’s so important to remember that this is not going to be an easy step for your child to take.

Try to ease any resentment or instability that your child might be feeling by spending plenty of one-on-one time with them, in order to reassure them that your new partner isn’t going to mean that you don’t have enough time for them anymore. Continue to reassure them of your love and consistency.

Your child might also be harbouring some hopes that their parents will eventually get back together again, so this hard, solid evidence to the contrary (in the form of your new partner) is bound to unsettle them, if this was the case. Just give them time (and plenty of your patience) to come to terms with the reality of the situation.

Keep communicating

I might sound like a broken record by now, but good communication is what a successful transition all boils down to.

For you and your partner, the key thing is that you keep being honest with each other. Take the time to speak to each other about any difficulties that either of you may be having, and how best to resolve them. Remember, you are both in this together and, with a bit of perseverance and positivity, your relationship will get through this tricky step. You’ll soon be reaping all of the rewards that come with seeing your child and new partner establish a connection.